Becoming who you are, is that possible?
CHANGE
Recently I was asked what change means to me.
“For me, change means ‘being in motion’ and becoming myself,” I replied. “What does that mean, becoming yourself?” my friend asked. Good question. Because being closer to yourself can quickly become a catch-all concept. A phrase that is used all the time.
SURVIVAL MECHANISM
By peeling back layers over the years, examining survival mechanisms and beliefs, and being aware of what serves me and no longer serves me in the here and now, I have discovered that I have sometimes made choices based on old perspectives.
Based on beliefs that no longer appear to be true. Which may have helped me once and were ‘truth’ for me at the time, but which no longer are. Because I gained insight into this, I was also able to consciously say goodbye to some behavioral patterns and I discovered that there was a whole ‘other side’ of me that I did not know very well yet.
As if there was a blank canvas in front of me that I could start ‘coloring’ in again. One which was not in line with what I had done before.
SCRIPT
From an early age we have been given ‘beliefs and values’; ‘this is how we do it here’. And later we take these with us to school, to our work, and into our relationships. We blend in or we don’t, but to survive we create mechanisms to protect us and help us take our place within our family system, our work, and our relationships. In the end we want to be accepted and belong, which is very normal. Because as humans we feel a deep longing to belong within our social environment.
Just think about what was a common saying in your home in the past. Phrases like “hard work pays off”, “men don’t cry”, or unspoken rules like “we don’t talk about our feelings here”, have a deep impact on how you develop further in life. At the time, it helped you to go along with this, you probably had no choice. You depended as a child on your caregivers. Full stop. You take these messages with you and translate them into ‘a script’. A storyline in which you have taken a (unconscious) decision on how you should behave, react, and act. Like for example ‘I order not to feel all my emotions, I will work hard, ‘I cannot show my emotions, as they might think me weak’ or ‘I cannot be myself, I must please others’. We go far and beyond to fit in and receive the love we need and long for as a child.
Nothing lasts forever and change is a constant. I had created an image of myself based on what I knew and what I thought I should live up to. Based on my scripts. This worked very well for me for a long time. Until it didn’t.
For far too long I had not checked whether what I was doing with my life, still suited the person I was in the here and now.
Did I still want to participate in certain environments that exhausted me and more importantly, why did these environments exhaust me so much?
NEW PERSPECTIVE
By looking at the scripts I internalized, I could see why I chose certain work environments or why I got into a certain type of relationship. Beneath that survival mechanism a new perspective dawned.
I reviewed some of my scripts, that I had become conscious about, and ‘redecided’ on some of my beliefs, which were much more aligned with who I was in the here and now, and for which I already felt a strong desire, but could not yet properly put it into words.
And not entirely unimportant, I also did not dare to listen to it, because it was so new and unknown. What would those around me think if I suddenly started doing something completely different? Would I still be accepted?
COURAGE = FEAR + ACTION
And that is exactly what I felt. I felt the courage to move beyond my fear of rejection and start experimenting with different behavior. One that was more aligned with what I felt deep down.
By going on a journey of discovery I came closer to becoming myself, to what made me happy and gave me energy, without the ‘outside rules’. As a result, I was able to change course, step by step. Because you don’t always have to radically change course. In fact, I don’t think this is advisable in many cases. Rediscovering yourself takes time and attention. It is, as it were, putting the pieces of the puzzle together again and discovering that the image of the puzzle has changed. What is also important to remember is that not all is bad within these survival mechanisms. Your talents, strengths and capabilities are in these layers as well.
Take them with you along the way.
JOURNEY OF DISCOVERY
My journey of discovery has brought grief and joy at the same time. I have been able to discover completely new areas within myself and I had to let go of some beliefs, situations, and people.
I have started to empty out my backpack and there is room for new people and experiences. Which I belief is an ongoing process.
If you currently feel like you are stuck in a way of life, or in your work or in your relationship, it can be a good time to do some exploring. From what perspective or beliefs did you enter this job or relationship? And does it still fit? Are you stuck in limiting beliefs? In self-doubt? From which perspective do you look at the situation and what do you see when you change your perspective? Becoming aware of your beliefs, script, and related choices, is the first step on the journey of becoming yourself. Give yourself time and above all be kind to yourself.
